Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
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Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
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Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I would fuck him just for his dog
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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