I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I got her a Nickelback box set.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize