The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
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Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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