just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
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