a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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