After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
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Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
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My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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