I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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