I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
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It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
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Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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