Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
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Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
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The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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