so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
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I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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