a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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