He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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