Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
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He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
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I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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