I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
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