You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
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dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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