she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
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Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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