If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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