we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
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Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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