I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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