thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
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She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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