I think I died a long time ago.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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