im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize