this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
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