people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
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