you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
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It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
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Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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