Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
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You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
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Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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