i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
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I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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