The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
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Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
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is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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