oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I looked at my own cervix.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize