I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
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One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
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Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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