i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
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i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
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Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
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