I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
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We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
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Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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