I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
so let's talk penis.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
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Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
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I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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