I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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