if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
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Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
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Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
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