Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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