Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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