Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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