Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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