but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
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St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
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He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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