I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
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I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
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I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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