Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
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I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
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you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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