True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
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I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
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Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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