2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
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I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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