The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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