wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
When are your genitals available?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize