He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize