there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
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Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
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Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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