Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
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She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
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listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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