I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
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so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
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Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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